Why is it so Hard to Change?

After 3 1/2 years of writing about my favorite 10 topics, I have decided to focus on one subject from now on. That subject is change. In my posts about change, I plan to use other bloggers’ articles about change.

Instead of just copying someone else’s work, I plan to do a short post about the blogger’s post and then include short excerpts from the remarks. I have always thought it is such a shame that we have no formal way to copy the remarks to a post.

Steve Olson, in a guest post at www.craigharper.com, writes about why it is so hard to change. I have read Steve for three years and he is one of the bloggers in my reader. check out his wife, Christine’s site–she sells books. Although in the past, I have rarely used links or info from other bloggers, I will be doing so now. 

Steve talks about one of my first mentors to help me change, Eric Berne. This what I wrote about my experience. Eric Berne, in his book, Games People Play, teaches us how to give up our victim roles in life. When faced with change, we often play the yes, but game–yes, I want to change, but no–I can’t.

Steve lists the emotional payoff for this choice:

1. Protection of the ego
2. Avoiding feelings of guilt

He gives four strategies for giving up this game:

1. Identify when you are playing the game. (Learn how to be your observer self.)
2. Are you playing the excuse maker or solution provider.
3. For the role of excuse maker–stop and seek a solution.
4. For the role of solution provider, stop playing. I use the trying is lying for people who will “try” to change.

From Steve:

“To live the life you want, you must stop playing destructive games. But what makes giving up games so difficult is that we tend to surround ourselves with people who play the same games we do. Sometimes we will find, if we stop playing destructive games our current relationships evaporate because they weren’t based on true intimacy, they were based on game play. This is most obvious with alcoholics and drug addicts, but it can happen to anyone with ingrained destructive patterns, even overeating.”